Forgive

if you can
my dreams
I know you feel the call
of your fireside
while I wait by my roadside
to travel once more
you could only take me so far
as home fills your days
& then to wait
my return again
it was not that I did not love you
I could not stay beside you
when the leaves grow green
a bright sun will warm
my bones
a thousand years
miles away
I will carry you with me
feel the weight on my back
as the sun goes down
on another day away
if I do not hurry
it is because I know
you are there
& tho’ I want to be with you
my life
will always be further

Learning to unhate

what hurts most
is that you know them
full well
when you first meet them
the wasters
leaners
promisers
the
sure, I can do this
no problem
a day maybe two
kind of people
& then they bleed on
into weeks of
unanswered calls
sorry I was out
too busy
faffy nonsense responses
until you snap
make demands
bring the whole sorry mess
to an end
somehow
all of this is down to you
your fault
& yes
you knew
from the start
this was how this
was going to be
& you wonder
are we that powerful
that we
can
create this?
or are we just too lazy
to say
no
at the outset?

Fifteen hundred miles

hardly a word spoken
in my mother tongue
just me & birds of prey
intently
watching the road
good coffee
bad coffee
is just a place to stop
engage
a drink & a pee
then back out again
aware that very probably
I stink
more than I normally do
learning again
distance reduces issues
do I really want
to be going where I am going
will they want me there
when I arrive
or must I change destinations?
& after a while
you find your own company
the you
that exists
out of any constraints
of others
company
social constructs
the you that others
don’t get to see
& you make friends again
see how you’ve changed
by being in a group
& you notice too
how this changes
when a stranger
greets with a smile
a good natural hello
how it lifts the day
& you remember again
what it is
about your loved ones
you are missing most

Her eyes lost & fearful

she wanted to try acid
I got 2 hits from a friend
said
ok lets do one each
on Friday night
I had to work until 9
we were to meet up
drop
after that
she arrived
her eyes wild
lost
fearful
I took mine about
an hour ago she said
me thinking
oh shit
she’d walked across the city coming up
the pavement rippling beneath her feet
lights streaming by as the cars crashed gears
& lightning took her thinking to newer places
I held her hand
feeling her hot fingers fret against my palm
is this it
is this it
is
this
it?
she wailed
thankfully the moon caught her
& she fell silent for a few minutes
muttered
I want to nest with you
No
I want to walk with you
so we walked
she talked
feeling finally
at one
with herself
we walked out of the city
into heathland
sat staring at the stars
for a long time
communicating silently
with them
us
suddenly she stood up
ran
I chased after her
caught up
but she was gone
all internal
the cops stopped me
we have a call
a man chasing a woman
yeah
I said
we had a few drinks
she ran off
I caught up
alls ok
are you ok miss?
oh yeah she smiled
smile from ear to ear
pupils wide taking in light from galaxies
just forming out at the edge
no understanding of this situation
lost deep within her inner worlds
we walked on
me maintaining enough to get us home
made a nest on the floor
coats
blankets
woolly jumpers
throws
curled together
feeling animal warmth
I wrote meaningful gibberish for hours
in a green book of mystic origins
to hold my understandings for future reference
while she slept
dreamt
woke to ask questions that contained
whole universes of intent
& then it was over
she slept without dreams
for a few hours
& ran away
while I sorted out my rooms
tried to make sense
of the night
the trip
my little green book
while blue light flickered
caught
at my edges

for ‘crystaltips’

You’ve just to keep going

waking up
getting dressed
walking thru’ the streets
early dawns
late nights
ok this one stole your cigarettes
that one your heart
her
your car
music
books
china plates
& you get up
acquire it all over again
until the next split up
the one after that
& her after that
maybe you’ll take a break
remember just who
you
are
feel fit
healthy
take a girl to run with the bulls
& she’s bored
what?
you keep going
then
you find one who likes
you
most of your sad jokes
books
writers
music
life
& you stay together
you might fret a little
is this it?
will this last?
& you remember
just keep going
let life resolve this
over time
like it does
everything else.

Koalas

I wipe my ass on koala bears
now
their cute furry features
imprinted on the soft
double layered paper
& I think on poems I wrote
as a young man
travelling across country
hitching rides
eating only chocolate
burgers & coffee
when I could get them
sometimes it’d be a day
between meals
& that would create gut problems
I’d be caught short
middle of nowhere
in the trees
behind bushes
side of the road
& my salvation
lay only in the paper
I’d written my latest opus
on
maybe that is the best use
ever

This thing we have

we know exactly
how we got here
even if we don’t wish
to hear exact details
please
this thing of ours
that we must puzzle out
as we go
very few of us get to know
exactly
how we will end
& those who do
only have this by cutting short
the process
& if we could know
would we
deny spontaneity
continuance
& be
but ghosts
in love
with the idea
of living?