she comes she comes

in the middle of the night

the early hours when sleep

seems for another friend

just not mine

not her face oh lord no

that we never want

just the things she did

& said

those rotten shitty things

keep roiling thru’ my head

& she comes in conversations

do you ever hear from?

in people who don’t know

not to ask these things

that we’re a long time done

& she put the wedges in

between me other people we knew

I had to end her for the infidelity

the evasions non love brings

the lies & stories she felt kept her free

but we both knew what was true

& she twisted all of that for me

for them for all of us for you

but she comes she comes

in the early dark hours

reminding that I gave all I could

& that is never enough

for those who love themselves

more

than they ever can you

they ran me out of there

seriously

escorted me around & out of the building

even though I’d given notice weeks ago

I guess they were scared of me

what I might do or say

there on my last day

& to be fair truthful

I hated them all with every ounce I had

people who make work think themselves

to be anything but the cog in the wheel they are

& that attitude of mine stunk the place up

so the big fella sat there

as I boxed all my personal shit up

I’d come prepared with carriers to cart it all away

sat there like the lump he was watching

I guess in case I took office property

like I needed shitty reminders of the place

I’d taken their money done the job

we’d contracted that I would do

& now it was time to go

no cake no rousing cheer goodbyes

notes on a card keep in touch

just shallow breathing so’s

I would not take in more stink than I had to

& the joy in all of this

they said of themselves

to be a caring organisation

all go

it is a terrible thing to do

when you’ve set up a life

with another

to want to tear all of that

apart

& say

I’m sorry this is no longer working for me

& I didn’t talk about the betrayals

the lies told

just & only just

this is no longer working for me

I have to let you go

& that’s it

to begin tearing it all down

break the love you had all flat

asunder

& later

I heard the stories begin

what an awful person I’d been

well quite

there is always a fee for the breakee

but no

these were fables of cruelty violence

insanity

& the crowd you once knew

are gone

you let them all go

not that they notice

they think it was them

let you go

for if they can believe these things

about you

your absence is not noticed

then your presence is no longer

required

& that

in itself creates an alone time

but better

you let them all go

if they can think these things are true

you were never real friends

anyway

but hey

there was time you believed her too

some time ago

I told them

I feel

we are being pushed back

to Victorian times

the ages of being serfs

chattels to the rich

& quite rightly

they sneered

what do you know poet boy?

I tried reason

your pay has not risen

in over ten years

yet bills continue to rise

your card debts are up

student loans not paid off

& you have two jobs now

to keep the roof overhead

wolves from the door

they told me

this is how it has always been

I offered quite brightly

maybe you could read

how things used to be

who got time for that?

they sneered

& went back to dragging

their slave debt chains

across the floor

cheerfully clanking them

as they went

because y’know

wants the final word

those words to be the end

of discussion

argument debate

because y’know

& there is nothing

you can say

authority has spoken

because y’know

final words have been given

take them

& shut up

swallow them down

go

walk away

because y’know

there is some higher ground

though I’m looking

all I see is retreating feet

thin positions on shaky sands

& if I too walk away

don’t expect

I’ve taken all this in

your wannabe finality

because y’know

that you’ve said these things

don’t make it

necessarily so

I reckon

one cold frozen night

when the thinkin

gets to be a problem

you can run me outside

don’t leave the door open

see if I can work my way

back inside

& if not

well then

surely the problem is solved

I don’t want to get

be like these

sittin in traffic mind all closed

wonderin what

those yellow blinky lights do

walkin around

forgettin their street shoes

let age be for those who want it

got their own

yearnin

for achin grown old bones

I’d rather be remembered

bright as a button

shapin my life

not headin downwards

soft in the belly head

everythin a strife

a burden on those I loved

forgettin their names yesterday today

you stay alive

though you no longer want to

welcoming open arms

any stranger with danger

on their breath

take the pills offered

pay the ransom down

to wake up again

looking around knowing

this is it

until the end of time

what doesn’t kill you

makes you stronger

& obviously those people

who think like this

have never struggled

to drown

as you lie in your ragged bed

listening to each torn breath

to wonder

if ever

anybody

will hold out a hand