& sometimes you cringe

I find difficult the love thing

to be all knowing within situations

understand fully what’s going on

& my hindsight is not 20-20

looking back at how I loved Jane

she could wring all emotions from me

love hate rage jealousy self-pity all on the same day

& I guess I got to learn self-control from this

never wanting another who could build

destroy everything in her self-serving whims

I felt I was giving up sharing secrets

building some kind of intimacy with

the tid bits we hold within away from the light

for her to later use these to demean criticise

& worse reveal to the world to win herself points

those things we keep to ourselves

for fear of mockery shaming in another’s eyes

I had to relearn after her what was hers

what was mine what I could keep for another day

to try to trust with a newer lover build a life

on firmer foundations not on shifty sand

& if letting go was easy we’d all be adrift

lovers would come & go with softer presents

than those of burning bridges sharpened crucifixes

we could look back with happiness

where now sometimes we look back

& all there is to do is offer bitter thanks

for the hard lesson learnt

& cringe

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