I’d be about seven

when I developed an obsession

for my friend Pauls mum

following him & her home from school

just to watch her be with him

how she laughed as he talked

stroked his mad hair & smiled

my obsession grew into a twist

I had an urge for her to spank me

feeling my bottom grew warm at the thought

this came after I saw her chastise John

Pauls younger brother over her knee

she smacked him then cuddled him

as he cried

trying to understand that now

is a dark minefield of dread feelings

was it that I was mourning my absent mother

a hint of early sexualisation

brought about by abuse I’ve repressed

or just the extent to which I’d put myself to

just to receive some form of affection

in my empty life?

One thought on “twisted

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