what does she know?

I’d lie in my bath

just enough bubbles

to stop my little yellow duckie

in his tracks flow

thinking on the day to come

those gone by

& she

in her wisdom told me

in a bath you are soaking

in all your yesterdays

where a shower takes everything

away

so I switched for a while

getting the flow not too cold

heat goldilocks about right

& no thoughts came

understandings of yesterday

& my little yellow duckie

got lonely stuck on the side

until the one thought

came clear

in terms of process

soaking in thoughts feelings

understanding the shitshow

what does she know?

do

do

I dream

of open arms open smiles

welcome from the miles

come in come ins to the sky

a place warm where I can lay my head

shake off my boots holed socks on the floor

food drink sleep easy nights snores

where the talk comes slow free truths out

I can be who I am as can you us all

where I will be sad to leave glad to return

knowing the door is forever unlocked

no admission fee needed but my love

coming home to roost to be

do I dream of such a place

you know I do

haunted by high yellow

I was unwell lying in a hospital bed

not even sure who I was

almost defeated by disease

but I’d force myself up out

to go use the bathroom

in defiance of illness nurses

in the hallway I met high yellow

a beautiful girl all smiles

on the way to buy chocolate

did I want anything?

sure get me a newspaper eh?

& she brought one back sat for a while as I read

talking of her life & sadness being alone

& when she left to go to her bed

a nurse sidled over serious don’t get too close

that girl will be gone end of the week

the high yellow is her organs dying

she overdosed on pills to end her life

& all we can do now is make the end

painless as we can help her slide on by

I saw high yellow one more time

had people visiting well wishing & I smiled

as she asked if I needed anything?

its ok honey I said I’m fine

but I never would be again

the thought of high yellow dying alone

& that I could do no more than witness

helpless as her in the end

we are here

walking with pilgrims

minding your feet

manners

footsteps sweat

trying not curse

on this path of the lord

but life is for living

& this burden

makes minds backs mouths

sore to burn

stopping to rest

at a clear water spring

eating talking laughing

not thinking of miles

ahead behind to do

& tomorrow

will come along easy

as you pick up your pack

set those boots swinging

lets go look at the view

begin to try

to understand why

we are here

much

waking

rolling over

feeling for you

then remembering

you

were long gone

some time ago

& before moving

lying warm still

thinking

could I do this over

could we begin again?

swinging my legs

over the edge

finding floor thinking

these are just the thoughts

of ambivalence

padding to the bathroom

you can’t change

I can’t change

what is done is done

but that don’t mean

I have to like it

much

no gifts flowers to find

motherless boy

no card to send

on mothers day

no gifts flowers to find

no funeral tears to make

best wishes condolences

to take appreciate

no final words to end

I am a motherless son

never having the love

I read in others cards

tiny notes on flowers

thanking for care

love support appreciation

unconditional regard

a life given held hugged

the bestest friend

not asking for pity or sorrow

save these for things we lose

have taken away

for such we miss

just to understand

when you make your

sweeping generalisations

about how mothers

make the world go round

some of us

must do this ourselves

ways

daddy issues she says

as I huh hummn along with it

I’ve met the man in question

fella makes the right noises

seems caring about his little girl

& mumma is decent enough

cooking cleaning

as we drop in around three

& they talk as we guys sit

watch the game talk some too

later as we eat the conversation turns

well your daddy will talk about that

& no one is looking at me

though my third ear lights up

listening for the undertow

later she tells me

how her daddy dropped the bomb

figuring as she had me

was making her own way

they felt less inclined

to be involved financially

how she hated him his ways

tight control of money

& I asked best as I could

so this is only your dad

your mumma had no input or views?

& apparently I’m a typical man

I just don’t understand