so many ways

there were all kinds of crazy

living in the hotel cheap week rates

near to the seafront beach

& I’d run that every morning

something to do try to change my ways

she’d come round every afternoon

floral tea cup held out y’got anything to drink?

& I told her every time I wasn’t drinking today

but she never believed kept knocking

the thin gay boy who wanted to suck my cock

who too didn’t believe when I said I was not inclined

& the fateful night

coming in late from night school

her door was open come in! come in!

I’ve had a windfall

the crazies all there sipping from bottles

I sat for a while dozing under a yellow lamp

as the crazies drifted away one by one

she droned on about past loves

big money scores to come

& around two I woke to a head between my legs

warm fuzzy feelings I’d forgot I could have

waking in the morning thinking time to run

in so many ways

taking time

he’s leaving slow

taking time to go

on his way out y’know

first easing up on eating

leaving the flowers

birds & bees alone

not riding his motorcycle

anytime he could

alternating days of drinking

then weeks without a dram

the chemicals the green

seems a long way gone

I asked him straight

you building some exit plan

he smiled that smile

I’m taking her easy

doing the best I can

there was no way

the doc told me clear

I’d not be making old bones

the road I was on

but mebbe this is the way

life is not as fast anymore

but it feels like a

no rushing slow laughter

just dull drifting away

revelations

I took my white handled athame

down to the beach start of the day

& as the sun caught tip of the waves

I threw it & the last I had of you in

I’d returned the photos records

books clothes intimates of will

but for my last precious part of you

tied to my athame flung far as I could

& as I saw it arc then sink into the sea

I chanted a spell cutting the cord

that bound you to me me to you

the ocean took all of that in away

our bond was cut now not to be again

I sat on a sun burnt bench for a while

watching waiting whether for hope or fail

in case the tide brought us back again

& then for a brief moment bare waving arms

of dead sailors accepting my gift with wishes

it was then I knew the hex had taken hold

walked away with words echoing my head

I’m going to miss that pearl white handle

my faithful athame in my hand my heart

over & over now never helping spells

incantations rituals until I will get old

just between you & me

bad places

good learning

never sit with your back

to the door

middle of a public space

don’t corner somebody

meaner than you

if he has no friends

she has no friends

you will not be a friend

you can’t trust

a strangers scales

a person with a nickname

especially if its honest john

a call for a fair fight

a one time only

borrower of money

tools your time

just because she says

she is using contraception

that doesn’t mean

you don’t need to

if the police say

just between you & me

I know you didn’t do this

you don’t need a lawyer

or their lips are moving

remember

they are trained to lie

to trap you into guilt

& you are not always

the smartest kid in the room

entertaining in low hill

I’d always drop by

if I was in your country

sometimes stopping over

kipping on the sofa

clogging up the bathroom

sometimes it’d be years

between visits

but still feeling like yesterday

come by you said on the phone

this time I have a surprise

& there he was: Charlie

Bowie fan now your husband

the joy of him in your face

we talked we drank

listened to his Bowie outtakes

as he struggled to work out

just who the fuck I was

taking your attention away

& too soon I was gone again

hearing over the wire

you divorced him in a year two

turned into just another prick

your father chasing him

down your streets hammer in hand

give him the abuse he gave out

more low hill entertainment

I’d never say I loved you the most

more that I loved you a longer time

happy pills

he told me

a little while before he died

they told him he was depressed

put him on the happy pills

& I knew I could not try

begin to explain

the shit he’d gone through

& keeping everything inside

is the cause the reason

alpha to omega due

the happy pills would do nothing

help in any easing of pain

the only way out to talk

& I knew saying let it rain

let everything go was no good

to this silent warrior

always stood tall mute no matter

the night freezing dark ice snow hail

everything thrown his way

would not help him find the sun

this or any other day

the answer

y’ain’t from round here

are y’boy?

& the answer

is always no

the longer response

I’m not from anywhere

where I came from

I don’t belong

& the place I’m going to

I have a strong feeling

will be much the same

where here is

I don’t rightly know

but give me a little time

the moment will surely come

I’ll cut & run

my temperament

being always

set to blow