the door

an off cream thick fire door

hotel regs to last long enough

create an escape

& when people knocked

there’d be a deep muffled sound

probably the insulation working

I’d sit lie still for a while no sound

until I hoped they’d gone

this time of not facing people

the world real life

not that I was having deep thoughts

more I just couldn’t be there

be amongst you others anybody

at Christmas you notice hard the cards

when there’s nobody to send to

valentine’s much the same

& when people knocked

I knew beyond doubt

they were bringing nothing new

anything I might’ve wanted

as I lay sat still waiting

for them to go

to take the emptiness with them

& these black lines?

the hire car was silver grey

came with a full tank

return policy same

no sat nav

just a map of the islands main roads

& these black lines?

those are the local roads sir

leading to peoples homes

ok I said thank you

& off we went

following the main roads

stuck in tourist traffic

lemme lookit that map

& we set off you know we did

on the black line roads

all gravel sand humped up by use

leaving dust clouds behind

& all went well

for a day or two

until I found myself

in a garden wedged on a rock

excuse me sir I’m stuck

es ok he smiled

just rock it

between first & reverse

it’ll back out

& he was right it did

I suspect this was not

his first rodeo

& drunks man

god she was beautiful

could smile to crack a rock

but she was a drunk

& drunks man

are no fun long term

it took a while to find out

she was that way this is how she is

I was just getting into her

& then it was too late

she needs to drink

more than she needs you

or wants to see you

& the flies flock to her honey

everybody loves a good time girl

you have to learn to share her

there are too many to fight off

& nobody likes the possessive type

especially you

she tells you she loves you

even uses those exact words

but the long of it

she doesn’t love you or

the other men she fucks for the booze

it’s the drinking she loves

this addiction the real love of her life

the harder truth being

she does not love herself anymore

other than the glass the bottle

the rush to oblivion

there was a window

& it was all I could do to look out of it

couldn’t be out there in the world

really enjoying the view

while you were moaning on

how I spoiled everything I tried to do for you

I kept on looking seeking grace

while your lips continued moving

distorting that once to me pretty face

thinking I’d surely paid enough

in bringing you here paying for the room

the window framing the view

wondering too how soon I could escape

leave you somewhere good for you

another hotel country town city place

knowing no matter how much that cost

& right now if you hated me

knowing you hated more being alone

but at least then

I would be out there

in the world in the view

yellow & purple stare down

sitting on the kerb with you

drunk again

failing to understand

where everything went wrong

trying to untie a wet knot

soaked in your tears

case hardened by flames

& the streetlights

yellow & purple stare down

creating shadows bruises

where I don’t need blame

I know in this you were clear

I’d made everything go wrong

the faults were at my door

in the low notes you laid there

pushing crimson feelings shame

& saying I love you

will never be enough

to turn back the clock

break it all down

start over again