hanging in hanging on

I had this idea

if I didn’t tell my secret

I was hanging on in

knowing I was at the end

of my thin rope

hope

she would not ask for more

nobody would notice

I had nothing more to give

which was foolish of me

every face

gesture move I’d make

things I didn’t say

gave me away

they knew

she knew

but for sadism

the kicks

the pricks

kept on taking

letting me dangle away

out there

sitting on the porch

of a once great motel

my own little patch of history

of motor court travelling

coke & ice machines on the corner

tho’ only the ice is working now

looking out at the night coming in

waiting for the neon to flicker

the clouds getting darker

the dying sun lighting their undersides

are you coming in? she calls

& all I’ve got in there is tv

maybe some loving later on

here I have everything I need

history nostalgia culture

a few cold beers in dripping free ice

thinking on of who else has sat here

wondering where what

tomorrow

the miles will bring

the cat

had more than nine lives

the one he portrayed to his students

as an ordinary working man

another where he played therapist

yet treated his woman like a dog

where as a supposed friend

I saw his big house

acres of exotic rugs

addiction to single malts

good cigars

his hoarding mania

& you have to wonder

if he was showing me

these lives

where did he keep his real one?

as my shadow falls upon

you are an angry young man

I doubt your motives

things have gone missing

somebody has done this

I don’t like how you look at me

what are you thinking?

can you take your sunglasses off?

I need to see your eyes

when we’re talking

did you do this?

where were you on xxxxx date?

that is so typical of you

what you mean is

I think you’re saying that

I’m not sure about your motivation here

when did you last?

beat your wife

racially abuse

sexually threaten

hate?

Cold morning

down at the self-service gas station

saw him in the trash cans

rummaging for 20c bottles

& all I had in my pocket

was two dollars in change

I thought I’d give that over

quiet to him here you go

& as I passed it

he said in Spanish

necesito café (I need coffee)

sure I said sin alboroto (no fuss)

waving goodbye ok ‘dios

as he tried to pull me in close

by the hem of my coat

I retreated back to my car quick

no he comido nada desde esta mañana

(I haven’t eaten this morning)

he was calling out to me

but I had no more to give

adding lame halting

hecho lo que puedo hombre

(the job is done my friend)

& drove away

leaving him to the trash cans

the cold

& wondering if i could’ve

done better there

feeling both of us had lost somehow

papers the walls

the shame grows

heating head between ears

the things i said

tried to mean

just to keep her a little longer

tho’ you knew

anything you had was long dead

didn’t stop you trying

from this feeling of alone

here in this blue room

as the shame grows

hope papers the walls

another lover gone

a cold bed once more

another day to try again

putting the music on low

hoping to find a song

a lyric something

to make sense

escape the heat

in this sad stupid head