you talk to people

she says

you fit in

with all sorts

of people

create changes

in your words

modality cadence timing

accent dialect

& I don’t know

who you are anymore

I ask

am I kind to you

considerate

decent?

but she needs answers

wants more

tho’ I have nothing more

to give

& then it hits

she wants less

much less

something

somebody small

contained

controllable

to fit in her pocket

her own little world

wants to know

she wants to know

why?

& I try to give her answers

it is like this

because

you give them certainty

give them all of you

for free no fee

& that takes away

their hope

because they know

they haven’t got

what you do

are & be

never can

never will

& instead

it becomes easier

for them to hate you

rubbish your time effort

undermine you

because that

makes you the same

as them

in their heads

she wants answers

I worked with her dad

now deceased

some years ago

& she has just found out

he was not her biological father

& wishes to know stuff

I tell her he loved her

what else is there?

her mothers’ infidelity

that he bore it well?

but she wants answers

I suggest she talk to her mother

but that don’t sit right

somehow

I just want to talk with him

she goes

& I gently suggest

your mother is the actor

in all of this

go ask her

she gets all upset she says

but no

she loved her dad the best

& wants to know

more

from the one who

stayed silent so long

tell me he said

I really wanna know

how come you

& those women

get on so well?

& I wanted to tell him straight

but knew if I explained easy

he wouldn’t believe

get it at all

so I poured him a drink

looked him straight in the eye

ok ok but first

why are we friends?

he had to think for a while

so I poured him another

well he began slow

you don’t bullshit me

you’re not scared to tell me the truth

& don’t seem to care if I don’t like that

& how are you

with those women?

I asked all quiet slow

well I want them

but can’t get close to them

can’t afford them but do try

they say they like me but nothing happens

& you?

oh I like some of them

I just don’t want them or need them

I poured him another

you don’t need them? want them?

he seemed puzzled by that

but you get on so well

yep I said

& sighed

pouring myself another

this was going to be a long night

wet brain in the rain again

coming home late

& there she was

standing corner of the street

hello baby she said

its been a long time

she started kissing me

holding my hands

staring into my eyes

feel my stocking tops

take me home got whispered

so I did if wondering the why

though my mind on overtime

was saying don’t go there again

I got her drink vodka on ice

while she sat chewing her cheek

is just like old times she smiled

& I had no questions to ask

didn’t want the answers to hear

we got between the sheets

& soon she was sleeping out flat

as I lay back satisfied unsatisfied

wondering how long before

all this shit turned sour

& sure enough around three

she woke up dug me in the ribs

what the fuck am I doing here?

did you do me while I was asleep?

I helped get her dressed

while she told me over & over

what a shit I was

she had no memory of meeting me

wanting me to take her home

eventually I pushed her out the door

the waiting cab door open

to take out the trash

until the next time

the mountains will remain the same

there are no answers

waking at three is no good anymore

it has been a while since I was crawling through the door

at this kind of time

& instead the dark closes in my mind

thinking how of other changes in my life

when did I begin to care about the nothings of time?

I had my understanding nobody cares about anything

unless they are lovers or kith & kine

& even they have learnt to look the other way

when you come looking for answers

a kinder way to make it through

your bowl open & empty is all they see

& rather than tell you they too are empty

they will tell you to go look in another direction

there you might seek answers to find

leaving you to understand you are wrong again

these loves you look upon are only but chains

care for what you want to care

ignore what doesn’t kill you

& the mountains will remain the same

advice they ask

this one calls

that one writes

what do you think I should do?

& I’ve gotten this far

by working out all of this

shit

for myself

& you need to know this:

my answers

are not necessarily your best advice

but what he really wants

is for me to fill in his court forms

stand up there

in front of the judge

on my hind legs

like a lawyer

but so much cheaper

on mates rates

cos we’re friends ok?

but

they don’t call when the cops book ‘em

or the shit first hits the fan

because that’s when I’d be most help

no

they fuck up first by talking

do some lousy negotiating

which they lose everything at

& then & only then

do they call

please pick up the pieces

for this toy I broke