as foolishness

don’t ever forget

I remember you

will remember you

until the last breath

I breathe

& I know you had to go

felt every reason to leave

but know too

I was true to you

that askew point of view

you had

was only the blues

wailing low in your thoughts

& what you mistook

as foolishness

were only

this poor boys attempts

trying to be loving

& kind

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some days

the abyss stares back

days there was nothing

walking to & from school

the park

going to bed

waking up

the only thing holding me

was me there in the dark

beyond boredom

loneliness left behind

walking up the stairs

only to pass down again

& they asked if I had the blues

& I said I wished it were

at least then

I’d have a name

something I could cling to

you can tell them clear

but not if they don’t want to hear

you can tell them clear

until your voice becomes hoarse

your face turns puce

the blues have got me today

nailed me to the floor

& you hear them in a smile

say sweetly

oh that’s just not you

have a shower get a shave

pull yourself together move on

to another

I loved you baby

but that feeling is long gone

our paths heading different

it is time to call it a day

& you hear her say

oh its just a rough patch

lets just try over again

& that’s when you realize

who feels who is important here

& who

has to walk away

gets the blues

I’d walk the concrete

along the sea shore

feeling like a fish needing a school

looking out at the lights passing ships

sitting in dock pubs bars

nursing a long beer

hoping for something

anything to happen

occasionally the door would open

to people who had lost their way

some random looking for low life

finding it

bringing attitude

the world & its brother

could bounce off

other nights sitting watching

the neon bar sign blink off

on

wanting divination

this is how it is

will be

waiting for the sun

to bring the light

end to these blues

not understanding then

not everybody gets the blues

or survives them

liar!

got flung

thrown from time to time

& I like to think

it’s not that I am per se

but that I don’t do

what women want

being raised without a mother

I don’t have the bonds you & you do

so I miss the cues

the homemaker blues

when a woman wants more from me

I don’t make many promises

as all made to me were broken

in that difficult youth

& we get to shouts of Liar!

she had things going in her head

that I didn’t

am somehow expected

by telepathy osmosis tradition

me to pick up on this

make everything a ok

& I fail

again & again

& for this

I am a liar

natural born no doubt

shamans blues

they come for me middle of the night

bearing down

taking memories

experiences different from theirs

mine are current

theirs finished

& there is no exchange

gifts of wisdom

hints of the bigger plan

& this one here at my shoulder

says tell them we mean no harm

only wish to live again

& they never understand

I don’t want sleepless nights

them taking bits out of my head

standing looking over

disturbing the peace I once had

as I try again to shut them out

keep them pointed to the light

how I remember these things

there was a worn carpet laid on bare boards

holding only the centre of the room

two chairs either side of the open fire

a sofa & a high table we sometimes ate at

curtained windows either end

that in winter had frost on the inside

my little room had cowboys on the paper

thick rough blankets & in winter coats piled on too

it is the biting cold I remember most

cold feet on cold floors cold coming in

cold going out cold weather cold people

cruel carers who took the money & ran

& these would steal my few toys for their kids

nothing stayed nothing stuck mother run away

father always absent a ghost figure tired pale

& I never knew from one day to next

would any of these be there when I got home

within the walls of this cold place of no food

always gut hungry for anything going

& now when they say you ever coming home?

I tell them I find the north too cold prefer the south

& they try to tell me I’m a too sensitive soul

but we know better I’m a soul with strong memories

remembers the cold remembers how it lingers on