mix it up some

I got concerns she said

all solemn on a Sunday afternoon

we’re not adventurous

not going at it

like we did before

hows’about we mix it up some?

& you have to try a little

when stuff like that gets said

the underlay being she’s bored

specifically with you

& later not that much later

I slapped her ass

grabbed her hair

said: now who’s your daddy?

she took a breath at that

I actually have a father

& I do not need another

ok?

I felt crystal clear then

time would not be

weighing out

on my side

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there was something

there was something

about auras

how we could mix them

make us a stronger team

there was something

about dreams

how we’d always been together

mother son sister lover brother

everything past

& to come had been

there was something

about wishing

making the future turn out

the way it need be

not for greed for love

& it seemed

there was always something

about Do

rather than Be

letting life create itself

taking a breath

accepting the river

the streams

the wind

would come in through the window

up until late October

then I’d slam it shut

until winter was overcome

spring little leaves of green

those rooms I painted

one long weekend with you

overtired you ran away into the night

while I cleaned up the mess

waited for your return

we had a little money then

you working in an office

while I taught the little I knew

the future was open

the past was all in a song

& I tried to be the man

coming home to you

& what I did not get

is how little of you was there

the rest being withheld from view

while I felt I was giving

your soul was turning blue

keeping all breath within

until the night I touched your cold

knew it was time to close the window

& the worse of all that was

you felt you were the one

knew what was happening

had control of our river song

as foolishness

don’t ever forget

I remember you

will remember you

until the last breath

I breathe

& I know you had to go

felt every reason to leave

but know too

I was true to you

that askew point of view

you had

was only the blues

wailing low in your thoughts

& what you mistook

as foolishness

were only

this poor boys attempts

trying to be loving

& kind

another day of this

they gave me pills

help take the pain away

& being young

maybe foolish

I felt if I took them all

I wouldn’t see

another day of this

to find myself

face down bathroom floor

puking on me

fighting tooth & claw

climb my way

back to living

take the next breath

something inside of me

wanting life & living

more than death

& the pain

was still there

my constant companion

but now I knew

this was just a part of me

not to be defeated

but accepted

worked through

my very own Sisyphean task

with every breath

there were words said

that I meant

with every breath

each inch of my being

that now

if opportunity

could create an opening

if I found myself

dreaming in the street

to bump into you

would you hold to them still?

would i?

is it ever possible

to wipe a slate clean

start over

or will we need reincarnation

death & rebirth

to begin again?

you stay alive

though you no longer want to

welcoming open arms

any stranger with danger

on their breath

take the pills offered

pay the ransom down

to wake up again

looking around knowing

this is it

until the end of time

what doesn’t kill you

makes you stronger

& obviously those people

who think like this

have never struggled

to drown

as you lie in your ragged bed

listening to each torn breath

to wonder

if ever

anybody

will hold out a hand