haunted by high yellow

I was unwell lying in a hospital bed

not even sure who I was

almost defeated by disease

but I’d force myself up out

to go use the bathroom

in defiance of illness nurses

in the hallway I met high yellow

a beautiful girl all smiles

on the way to buy chocolate

did I want anything?

sure get me a newspaper eh?

& she brought one back sat for a while as I read

talking of her life & sadness being alone

& when she left to go to her bed

a nurse sidled over serious don’t get too close

that girl will be gone end of the week

the high yellow is her organs dying

she overdosed on pills to end her life

& all we can do now is make the end

painless as we can help her slide on by

I saw high yellow one more time

had people visiting well wishing & I smiled

as she asked if I needed anything?

its ok honey I said I’m fine

but I never would be again

the thought of high yellow dying alone

& that I could do no more than witness

helpless as her in the end

much

waking

rolling over

feeling for you

then remembering

you

were long gone

some time ago

& before moving

lying warm still

thinking

could I do this over

could we begin again?

swinging my legs

over the edge

finding floor thinking

these are just the thoughts

of ambivalence

padding to the bathroom

you can’t change

I can’t change

what is done is done

but that don’t mean

I have to like it

much

gone

solid gone

the kid I knew

I was looking past

the weight gain

change of threads

bordering on grey

some kind of fawn

straight into those eyes

I remember blazing

night ‘til dawn

ideas riffing

moving 100 miles an hour

& the guy was gone

solid gone

that bright soul no more

spiritually dead

zombie living days

& I asked him

wassup man?

& he told me straight

nothin’ man

just bored y’know

life ain’t fun no more

things

stuff

you never told me

tho’ I knew you for centuries

good & bad times

fire burning below

dry desert wastelands

for you to be gone

thinking of you dancing

under hot lights cold night

your mad man left behind

counting bricks all alone

I tried for you hope to find

some common ground

offer help support your absence

turned the man to stone

the things stuff

you never told me

ending in such a fast way

here today then gone

this time forever

projects never completed

home building

there on the tv

putting in heat pumps

the man says prices

are the lowest in years

& I reach for the phone

must talk with Tel

we talked on this years ago

& my hand wavered

as I remembered

he’s been gone a year now

the heat pump

to warm his pool

will never happen

& I’m a fool for forgetting

some projects

phone calls

are never completed

like friendships

in the here & now

papers the walls

the shame grows

heating head between ears

the things i said

tried to mean

just to keep her a little longer

tho’ you knew

anything you had was long dead

didn’t stop you trying

from this feeling of alone

here in this blue room

as the shame grows

hope papers the walls

another lover gone

a cold bed once more

another day to try again

putting the music on low

hoping to find a song

a lyric something

to make sense

escape the heat

in this sad stupid head