more

such a sweet girl

wanted to look after me

buy my clothes to fit

cook me fresh for tea

happy to keep me happy

sweet there in the night

always wanting for me

from me everything to give

& I loved the company

enjoyed the view

knew I could only take

having much less to give

than she wanted needed

asking me home after six

stop the hanging out

with the friends I knew

those cats over the years

the longer times

had worked to pull me through

& the longer I stayed

the more I could see

our paths diverging

where for her there

was a wanting of more

our paths to cross

in front of a priest maybe

cars houses soft babies

a dog sweet patch of lawn

something

more

than I had to give

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I wouldn’t mind but

she was always unhappy with me

the way I went aah after a drink

how poorly I spoke French

not that she could would or try

& after she left

I saw her broke down at the side of the road

I didn’t stop because I knew

I’d be fixing that wrong

& I wouldn’t mind but

the bitch looked happy

she said she hated my hair my clothes

the way I snored at night

even the way walked in the street

all was a vexation to her

& I was pleased when she went

later I saw her with her new knuckle dragger

bad hair gorilla in an ill-fitting suit

struggling to cross the street

& I wouldn’t mind

but the bitch

looked happy

smell is heat

whats that smell?

I drive off the ferry & it hits

& I wonder for about six seconds

that smell is heat

more precisely heat on tarmac

dry drains thirsty trees & plants

sun smacking down on pavement

& it takes a few seconds more to realise

I am happy

finally some sun & warmth

on this too long a’wintered body

this feels like home

finally

we go to see

this woman

I had something with once

felt things for I think

& she leans in

only a peck on the cheek

on the painted face

I’m searching for clues

now

where once

I presume

I felt passion

& she talks of how I was

with her

her friends

& the ghosts crowd in

I remember nothing

of her or them

though they feel

they owned

a part of me

enough to feel happy

about that dead past

remind me

remind me

just what it was

I did to you

for you to behave this way?

take away my world

rip the rug under my feet

is it revenge

seeking for something sweet

a dance around my funeral fire

muttering mad phrases

pulling my heart to pieces

feeding them to the pyre

when will be enough?

nothing left but rust

fragments of yesterday

blue lint grey dust

I hope you may be happy then

but you know

& I know

you will still be a liar

& I walked away

with my head in the clouds

there was nothing could bring me down

touching the trees

holding you there

on the tip of my tongue

& I walked away

swinging my arms there by my side

knowing I could see you anytime

your smile was yours & mine

no guilt no nothing but happy

life with you was truly for real

if time is a healer with love

this was never gonna be true for me

as the seasons will always turn to brown

& I walked away

feeling nothing but pain

your smile had gone away this time

if nothing can be taken away

I would walk your street in the rain

remembering your lips taste

feeling your love

as I walk away this time

thankful but empty

for the last time

strange times

the other night

doing nothing but sitting

tv was off

she had a book

& as always I had my paper

pen

& something to ride away

the time

I noticed as I looked over at her

an odd feeling

sorta contented

across my shoulders

sinking into my chest

settling towards my ass

there in the chair

& realized slowly

this must be happiness

aha!

satori!

zen awareness

those old Buddha types

got it right

with their just sitting

& I chuckled

what’chou laughing at now?

she half scowled at me

just me I said

& she went back to her book

which was very obviously

more interesting

but does that contain enlightened thoughts?

the wise fool thought….