she talks of anxiety
& mental illness
coming on
how she hopes to get by
without falling
into that steep dark hole
& I’m listening
I always do
even if my mind is wandering
to times
I hadn’t a clue
what the next day would bring
more hunger more pain
no money blues
the times where I learned
there is no referee umpire
to even up the game
make play fair rules
& getting up
to fall over again
was all I could do
to mark the days
back when she fed me
out of date food from her mothers’ shop
boxes of snacks battered tins
& I was grateful for that largesse
& now
I visited her about a year
before she died
took her & her deadbeat man out
bought drinks & a meal
he snuffled it all right up
king for the day
later she apologised
for his appetite
manners or lack of
& I reminded her the beggar
there once at her door
oh that was different she laughed
you made me feel good about that
but this…?
maybe I said one day he’ll wake
get out there in the world
find the thing he loves
become the man he once was again
& all she did was sigh
& later at her funeral
he sat with me
telling me how like me he was
& I had to agree
we did both love the same woman
I’d been searching
always for something
could heal me
hoping to find
the cure for this itch
might give me
a little peace
of mind
& she came in
foxed me with her beauty
promising everything
had that smile
of riches to come
like she knew my hunger
could get that job
over & done
& instead took
whatever she could
leaving me behind
thinking at least
I’d had my healing
until just maybe
the next time
a sweet smile
on a pretty face
could get that hook
swung on a line
days of kicking the streets
riding from this place to that
sitting on kerbstones
passing the hat
dredging pennies for bottles
staring at the girls walking slow by
thinking one day I’ll be able
feeling the dig in the ribs
from one less meal passed
living for laughs with friends
all broke in much the same spaces
waiting for something someone
to happen make it all true
as we worked with busted tools
on our broke down
bikes, lives, loves, hearts & hours
there was nothing yet had frightened us
everything was just passing through like
tinny music from a cheap radio
soundtrack to slow hours thinking
what where could we go next
would we ever make it to?
& if there’s one thing we had
we could always share
was next to nothing
as that at least was free
I don’t see those faces anymore
hold their names
in my mind or life
its enough I remember
sitting on those hot kerbs
letting summer slip by
not a care to be had
making nothing happen
