the conversation was over

I had feelings about things

the stuff that happens

as we all grow up

& she told me I was

an angry young man

the conversation was over

& when I talked about my body

the things I had going on

had been done

I was told I didn’t understand

they had done their best for me

the conversation was over

I tried to express myself

in paints then sculpture

here in words on a line

& got told

nobody wants to see this

feel this hear these ideas

the conversation was over

& then they told me

the problem with you men

is you don’t talk

about your feelings

& then I really knew

the conversation was over

Fail & sometimes

we are set up to fail

we’d been out a few times

spent more time in

getting to know each other

letting the guard down

see who we really were

one night late as we prepared for bed

she began talking of her car accident

reconstructive surgery

& mute I said i had not seen a thing

the repairs were all to her head

skull fractures lines of surgery

where hair was now missing

as she lifted up her locks

to show the bald patches

where hair could no longer grow

I sat still saying nothing

as she let her hair down again

& nothing now looked amiss

I kissed her held her a while

& we slept together

got up late went about our days

she never invited me back again

would not answer my calls

this was over

whatever trap had been set

I took the fall

fell into fail

she must have seen something

there in my face

maybe I hadn’t…

said kissed cuddled held enough

whatever

I had been set up to fail

no conversation no nothing

can bring that moment back again

noises you make

it started how I said pan

instead of saucepan

how I expressed myself

after taking a long drink

becomes about the noise you make

peeing in the night

those soft sighs

grunts reading the paper

driving in the fog

& then I knew it was going downhill

though it took a while longer

for the lesson to kick in

& today

she is moaning at him

two bowed souls clutching carriers

walking the street

heading home from shopping

passing beneath me

his uselessness standing mute

in front of things she wants to see

she might think

she was wearing him down

but missed herself

& me too

we were listening to music

doing the things new lovers do

as stones railed against the windows

I looked furtively out corner of the glass

as she screeched I see you you bastard!

erm things are gonna get complicated I muttered

just stay low

just go see what the mad bitch wants

she said

while I put on a coat & smile

closing the door behind me

so’s she could not slip by

what do you want? I asked all low

I fucking hate you she cried

grabbing my arms to shake me

I slipped aside her hands her punches

this is over has been for some time

why now? why tonight?

as she sat on the road

collapsed into sobs

this this is what you’ve reduced me to

I know your new bitch is upstairs

were you fucking her?

did I get in the way?

look there she is! fuck you!

fuck you! fuck you!

shit she’d decided to take a peek

there in the window outlined light behind her

I’ve got to go & so do you I said

I’ll kill myself! I’ll do it just you see!

& there is no sadness compares to those words

I didn’t want her to do that

nobody does

but knew it was out of my hands

& the reasons for us being over

were only compounded by this latest drama

go home I said get some sleep

I’ll talk to you tomorrow

fuck you I’ll be dead! she cried loud

as I walked

backed away

this was a drama in which

I did not want to see

the third act

she came by

to tell me it was all over

cried a little

damp on my shoulder

& I reached for her

& that was it

we were rolling on the floor

so I put some extra effort in

to give the new fella something

to be compared with

she came by

& later

as we sat in bed

her with a cigarette

me with some sadness

not yet to the third date with him?

oh fuck you she said

got dressed & left

she came by

here’s your shirt I borrowed

the books mixtapes

& made sure there was a gap

there between us

that I knew I couldn’t cross

so didn’t try

& it was then

I knew for sure

it was over

grins serene

starting the day

got Jim on the radio

him

he got out the only way he could

& when the music is over

I will get off’f this chair

put away the words for now

go about my day

trying to be the best it can be

your problem lover she said

is you take it all in

maybe on

even

accept

whatever comes your way

everything as the same

the fuck you mean? I say

& she grins serene

don’t fake it baby

you know exactly

what I mean