blue days

& the only thing to work

(the pills will kill you

slow you down

make you forget

who you were

are

will be)

is to throw that leg over

your motorcycle

ride out of town

(away from the people

who will kill you

slow you down

make you forget

who you were

are

will be)

find the big nothing

& put some miles

between you

& what ails

you

until

all of that is

tiny or nothing

in your rear view

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you can never go home

though I walked the streets

there a while

thinking of the things

I did you did

& those we used to follow

friends foes leaders & frenemies

all the confusion

being a kid growing up knows

& knowing they are here now

hiding in their homes

stuck behind painted doors

thinking that equals safety

caught by the TV

booze gambling the powder

pills anything

to keep them placated

sedated off these streets

where once they roamed

free to breathe

easy inside their skins

now lost to poisons & fears

we speak in different languages now

but that don’t mean

we couldn’t find common ground

just we can

never go home again

another day of this

they gave me pills

help take the pain away

& being young

maybe foolish

I felt if I took them all

I wouldn’t see

another day of this

to find myself

face down bathroom floor

puking on me

fighting tooth & claw

climb my way

back to living

take the next breath

something inside of me

wanting life & living

more than death

& the pain

was still there

my constant companion

but now I knew

this was just a part of me

not to be defeated

but accepted

worked through

my very own Sisyphean task

stay the blade

I wanted to give up

give it all in

put out the fire

& the only thing

stayed the blade

slowed taking the pills

were the tears

I saw falling

when we said goodbye

after he had let it all go

the pain in those people

those of us he called friends

& no matter the pain

you know it never ends

just you are not here

to be loved again

be there when the clouds clear

to hope for another

brighter day tomorrow

indoor coward

those winter days

rolled through slow

times I couldn’t afford the gas

stayed under the covers for warm

& wondered if today was the day

to let it all go

end the pain

there were pills there

being an indoor coward

I feared the rope & kicking

pills & booze & wait in hope

there was enough to do the job

& waking up the next day

the next day

understanding finally

the loneliness had found a home

it was time to make peace

you stay alive

though you no longer want to

welcoming open arms

any stranger with danger

on their breath

take the pills offered

pay the ransom down

to wake up again

looking around knowing

this is it

until the end of time

what doesn’t kill you

makes you stronger

& obviously those people

who think like this

have never struggled

to drown

as you lie in your ragged bed

listening to each torn breath

to wonder

if ever

anybody

will hold out a hand