not a bad girl

nothing wrong in wanting

whitewash the picket fence

& if I could I would have

given these things to you

only we both know

I was not made this way

& it is easy to point

the holes in the road ridden

safe life planners make it simple

clean plotting & sunshine

if I could be with you

hiding behind curtains

love in the afternoons

we’d be happy baby

but I bring shade & rain

to delicate parties days

complications in the morning

my way of a twisted path

taking on the views scenery

the longest way round

so this needs be

if until

we meet again

you gone

days when the sun came

& I could not raise myself

see it anyhow

living with life dead lovers

she told me she loved me

but all that meant was

she didn’t want

to see me go

living in silence

waiting for the rain to come

to change the scene

wanting for something

to happen along

create a spark

a blue low hum

better feelings to rise

& you can convince you

all days are much the same

but there comes one

where light comes into eyes

the door opens

& baby

you gone

within the orbit

I could hear the train

rattling in the distance

the rain landing on trees

the roof & the road

cars hissing by hitting puddles

splashing back again

& nothing

plenty of that

more than enough to go round

lasting for days weeks months

enough to push me

into wanting to leave

where those left behind

were content to be born

live & die within the orbit

of sound of that distant train

to see me as the black sheep

jumping the hedge

escaping the fold

at a loss to understand

why something more

was needed than that big pot

of nothing

one foot low

I’ve walked away before

one foot low

in front of the other

treading time slow

wishing hoping

for a turnaround

which is not to say

I felt nothing

if I walked away the hurting

heading for the horizon

looking for newer songs

& I will do this again

when or if

the scenery fades

the curtain falls

leaving nothing

but cold rain

hurt & pain

I owe it to me

you owe this to you

to get up & walk away

don’t let people

give you poor love

let you down again

& now

they forget they made their positions plain

back then there was nothing for me

except very much more of the same

shame slander embarrassment & pain

tho’ they wonder why I set my face to go

away from them out happy into the rain

to sleep on beds of freezing bricks & cold

struggling to find something to hold on to

as they whisper now we have always been here

they forget I remember the nights no answers

their telephone ringing no ansaphone clear

no letters replied no responses no call backs

the times they kicked the dog no mind

I learned to stand maybe a little crooked

nevermind my leanings I grew them myself

sometimes sitting or standing these two feet

five lanes full on to hell

early Saturday morning

heading into the big city

the morning sun there somewhere

hidden behind fine mist rain curtains

rooster tails thrown up by the cars

five lanes full on to hell

suddenly a sea of red lights

& we stop

sitting there for long minutes

I turn off the engine

no silence

the whoosh of the car tyres

on the other side of the barrier

we sit checking the radio

for local station idents

hoping for a traffic alert

but no

& any screaming

is left to the internal

maybe a mute sigh

we talk softly of our plans

the time delay

& then we all start up again

slowly gaining speed

up to 20 then 30

we pass the bashed in barrier

car front end ripped off

everybody slowing to rubberneck

eye the tragedy

pictures to retell think of later

& then back up to speed

all of that is gone

left behind

on to the city now

on our five narrow lanes

heading to hell