not my intent

these feelings of foolish

I’m putting on you

we’d not met for some time

you were distant remote

not coming on true

& the times we’d had

the things we’d shared

seemed to be all gone

long lost forgotten

& I’ve buried animals

the cats dogs of my youth

planted them deep

stop them becoming prey

& if that’s how you felt

I was a jackal digging down

to feast on rotten remains

I’m sad & sorry for you

felt you needed push me away

that was not my intent

mine was to rekindle friendship

touch upon the common we had

not unearth revive the pain

for the fun of reliving hate

adios compadre my friend

I wont be coming your way soon

be trying again

walking with the ranger

looking at ways

to improve signs

interpretation boards

& this sign? he asked quiet

it says fuck off!

I said

I put this in place he explains

because climbing that cliff

is dangerous

yeah, got that I agreed

but the wise people

they look at the cliff

& say not today jesus

I’ll come when I’m ready

& just walk on

but your average fuckwit?

it’s a challenge

I’m rough & tough me

bring it the fuck on

will set out to conquer

just to prove you wrong

the more than average fuckwit

looks reads the sign & says

yes of course

now tell me something

I don’t know

you get all of that he asks

from just this one sign?

well there is more…

I understand he wants people

to be safe out here in the remote

but he doesn’t understand

that people do stupid things

just for fun

the rush

then he asks

do you need to use the word

fuck so much?

well there is more…

I say

as we walk on with hope

of understanding

back of the box

hey numb nuts!

he calls across the street

& I of course don’t think he means me

but he does

we talk over a beer or three

& I ask the why of it

its like man y’are back of the box

so often we talk & your answers come deep

seconds mebbe minutes

after the rest of us have moved on

you seem to need to think before you speak

so its like you’re kinda numb y’know

& I don’t though I kinda do

I am back of the box

being remote from the drama the dross

that floats across the street the world these eyes

& if I took it all in

man what an ache that would be

& for a moment I toy with the idea

telling him the things he has missed

failed to notice in his rush to label others

but you know he wouldn’t appreciate that

so I let that go let him slide

as he grins yeah man just like that

so I sigh & we order more drinks

life is safer for all of us that way

remote

I did not intend to go remote

but after so many blows to the head

the backside

guts & spine

the head shuts

no, insists to shut down

go AWOL

find that inner place where no harm

can be done

despite the bruises on the body

& ego

dents to the soul

so now at times

I only know it is cold

I’m at risk of freezing

when shivers twitch that tortured spine

am exhausted by falling down

overheated by feeling faint

to match a symptom to something read in a book

& recognise I have gone remote

gone inside

waiting for the right key

maybe place

to open me up again