papers the walls

the shame grows

heating head between ears

the things i said

tried to mean

just to keep her a little longer

tho’ you knew

anything you had was long dead

didn’t stop you trying

from this feeling of alone

here in this blue room

as the shame grows

hope papers the walls

another lover gone

a cold bed once more

another day to try again

putting the music on low

hoping to find a song

a lyric something

to make sense

escape the heat

in this sad stupid head

& now

they forget they made their positions plain

back then there was nothing for me

except very much more of the same

shame slander embarrassment & pain

tho’ they wonder why I set my face to go

away from them out happy into the rain

to sleep on beds of freezing bricks & cold

struggling to find something to hold on to

as they whisper now we have always been here

they forget I remember the nights no answers

their telephone ringing no ansaphone clear

no letters replied no responses no call backs

the times they kicked the dog no mind

I learned to stand maybe a little crooked

nevermind my leanings I grew them myself

sometimes sitting or standing these two feet

floating past my ears

all these words passing through

floating past my ears

people talking about family

things everybody knows

& nothing settles within

chimes resonates takes hold

their fulsome magic formula

of togetherness bonds of bind

where I have distance

strangers in a spread circle

using different languages

songs sung to separate

than join hands

fathers buried early

mothers gone to foreign lands

sister brothers halves & bastards

separated by vows of silence

things that cannot be spoken

secret shame whispered

in quieter corners behind hands

how I envy the warmth

to shake this coldness

that I will never understand

just sheer bloody inertia

you could tell me

lead me straight through

your door

but I will never understand

how you live here

when I’m gone

I understand there’s eating

drinking watching the tv

just what you people do

in your living together

seems to be a bore

you don’t talk much

sharing is for losers you say

so the wonder has to be

what is it you got

to make the other stay

is it the shame

hidden under the mattress

pride lost lying on the floor

fear for the world unkown

beyond your tattered curtains

or just sheer bloody inertia

keeps you living in sin?

plenty of nothing

walking the streets in the early hours

hoping to meet no one

plundering the depths of self-hate

huddling against the cold

the same thoughts going over

& over

how full of shame I was

waste of skin & bone

hoping death would come

not in any dramatic way

but cold as the stone wall I sat on

because when you are young

the infinity of nothing is preferable

than this creeping stifling of blood

no energy to move forward

even less to go back

mute & bound to the moment

no ideas to do anything

just alone & sad

& nothing prepares you for this

no words no comforts

this is yours alone

any conversation

there are things

I will never talk about

feel able to say

even on my dying day

things I failed

those I did not do

places that remind

always to avoid

such is the power of shame

I can never go there again

I fear the light in your eyes

turning from love

burning low to despise

eating at my torn insides

though I know you would not

do this

it is mine alone

leaving me to feel

honesty is for those

with nothing to say

have tried to do

nothing new

clapping on the one

the noise

expectations layer on layers

all those people calling themselves

friends family helpers

with their hands extended

held out in demand

for those things

they themselves could not do

whether through stupidity timidity

failure learnt at the knee

but buzzing as angry bees

with their has been

once was situation

my hands to my ears

I could feel the intrusion

which is how I learned to run

seek the silence

close out winnow down

taking years finding who it was

I was to be all along

& when I got there

took a long look around

& all I could see were angry faces

shouting shame in the wrong places

clapping on the one

trying to build the noise

get their own way again