much

waking

rolling over

feeling for you

then remembering

you

were long gone

some time ago

& before moving

lying warm still

thinking

could I do this over

could we begin again?

swinging my legs

over the edge

finding floor thinking

these are just the thoughts

of ambivalence

padding to the bathroom

you can’t change

I can’t change

what is done is done

but that don’t mean

I have to like it

much

unless asked

Songs on the radio

she hates the noise

interrupting her thoughts

which of course

she does not share with me

unless asked

& then those tail away

so I sing to the songs

the playlist I made

mixtape if you will

to come away

make this trip together

& I’m singing to her too

if she would know it

looking to the distance

when a lyric melody

catches me

oh you have goosebumps

she says

are you cold?

yes I reply

there’s a chill in the air

eh?

vibrating to red

there were many things there

all the colours we usually see

& those hidden by our eyes

but vibrating to red

seeing energy move between trees

the flowers earth & me

& looking into your thoughts

knowing more than I knew

we were not destined to be

I had taken a wrong path

my life after this could

never should be the same

& I knew the leaving

would not be easy

all the people I was with

to be left by the wayside

no longer fellow travellers

my road was diverging fast

& you were asking

how is it for you love?

& I had no answers

simple enough to give

nothing there in the margins

I could show

plenty of nothing

walking the streets in the early hours

hoping to meet no one

plundering the depths of self-hate

huddling against the cold

the same thoughts going over

& over

how full of shame I was

waste of skin & bone

hoping death would come

not in any dramatic way

but cold as the stone wall I sat on

because when you are young

the infinity of nothing is preferable

than this creeping stifling of blood

no energy to move forward

even less to go back

mute & bound to the moment

no ideas to do anything

just alone & sad

& nothing prepares you for this

no words no comforts

this is yours alone

constellations

sit & wonder

as a feckless kid

I lay on the ground

staring at the stars

thinking of space as empty

were there threads between constellations

& later

in classrooms

trying to narrow the space

between teachers & me

later me & students who sat there

wondering why they’d lost an evening

time during the day to come

& I wonder how many of us

ever bridge that gap between words

& our thoughts always

on the run