Fail & sometimes

we are set up to fail

we’d been out a few times

spent more time in

getting to know each other

letting the guard down

see who we really were

one night late as we prepared for bed

she began talking of her car accident

reconstructive surgery

& mute I said i had not seen a thing

the repairs were all to her head

skull fractures lines of surgery

where hair was now missing

as she lifted up her locks

to show the bald patches

where hair could no longer grow

I sat still saying nothing

as she let her hair down again

& nothing now looked amiss

I kissed her held her a while

& we slept together

got up late went about our days

she never invited me back again

would not answer my calls

this was over

whatever trap had been set

I took the fall

fell into fail

she must have seen something

there in my face

maybe I hadn’t…

said kissed cuddled held enough

whatever

I had been set up to fail

no conversation no nothing

can bring that moment back again

What are you thinking?

She asks
and I don’t yet know
that it’s a trap
to say
that I wasn’t thinking
of her
‘Nothing’
as a response
is not enough too
she wants
more, more, more
later
I’d be thinking of how
to avoid taking her out
the restaurants aren’t good
we’ve seen everybody three times already
she says
no movies to see
theatre to go
and I’m sick
that that she’ll eat then throw up
quietly
discreetly
but the job will be done
all on my dime
my pay
its somehow enough
for her
that she’s here
with me
wanting to know
if my mind is freefalling away
it will be six months
before she finally leaves
and my sadness
tempered by her madness
knows it will not be the last
of her this day
and she will turn up again
raving in drink
needing to know
just what it is
that I think
about her
in truth
its fear
fear that I want to love
this madly disarranged
part in my life
fear
that I am worth no more
than sluts like these
held tight to body image
drugs
booze
and money
for my dark love